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Christmas really wasn’t that bad. Actually, it wasn’t bad at all. I just overreact to silly things and then I get mad at myself for being so ridiculous. We (PCV) started our morning at PTO, Adam’s house. Adam and his wife, Kate, made us waffles, cinnamon rolls, coffee, sausage, ect. It was very delicious. Laura and I sang Christmas carols.. which was, of course, my favorite part. Around 4pm we went to our CD, Ann’s house, but Ann is in America.. her husband had us over and we had a delicious supper. I especially loved the apple turnovers with ice cream. We also watched this truly awful movie about 2012 and the end of the world… NOT Christmas like at all.. but I guess in a country where they replace snow with fireworks nothing is normal.

I just made myself miserable because I’m so attention needy. I really expected my family and friends to step up and they really didn’t. My mother called in the morning for about 2 seconds and then my dad and I spoke for about 3 min late last night. My siblings didn’t even feel the need to call at all… and there are 3 of them. I texted each of them but then my America phone finally broke.. it says insert SIM.. but with a phone I’ve had since high school what can I expect. I know America has that whole I’m too busy for the people I care about attitude but it was Christmas dang it! That’s a holiday that’s suppose to be all about the people you love.

I’m not too upset about the no Christmas present thing. I really don’t need more crap. They could have sent some and they are not here. I did just get a letter my friend, Stephen, sent in JULY… diffidently one of those letters that went to Africa first. Mostly I just wanted emails and calls. I’m actually getting myself a little worked up thinking about it so I’m going to stop. Plus the Sur-14s told me around the 6-7month mark your families start to forget about you completely. I was warned but like everyone I thought I was special and different.

Good things in my life are the following: Casey, Matt, Molly, Shelley, Catherine, Andy, and Cameron. Cameron made me the coolest secret Santa present ever.. it was a story he wrote about all of us filled with tons of inappropriate inside jokes.. and I completely love him for it! Casey’s mom has been so cool aside from bringing my blow dryer and flat iron from home she cut all of the PCV hair, let us all take HOT showers (by the end of the 3 days the bottom of the tub was black with dirt), and she bought us a round of drinks. Molly wrote me a funny memory card about how every time we went out I would request the song T-Shirt and embarrass myself by dancing. Matt.. well what can I say about that kid… I just adore him. We are so different and I’m sure more times then not he wants to kill me but mostly I think he gets a big kick out of us girls. I’m really lucky to have such a good diverse group of people… and I’m a little nervous (but more excited) to add the 16s to the mix.

Okay, I have to get back to work. I met with an NGO and now I'm in the middle of writing proposals... oy. I feel like a beggar.

P.S I found some Nike knock offs for $50SRD.. I'm not sure how long they will last but my other ones were coming apart. I ran in them today and they seemed okay. Not the cute pink ones but what can you do.. I don't have $289SRD for shoes.. that would be giving up food for 1.5 months.

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas

It’s the strangest week I’ve ever had. Between Casey’s mom coming, hot showers, and Christmas.

All day I’ve just wanted to cry. I feel like if someone offered me a ticket home right now, at this very second; I would take it and not look back. I miss my family and my friends. The pain feels so intense I can hardly breathe. My family and friends are very important to me and I have extreme dedication to both. I also feel extremely forgotten by both of these groups of these people. I guess its true when you’re out of sight you’re also out of mind. I also know I’m needy like that.. I need calls, letters, emails, and stupid facebook messages to feel loved. That’s why I know I could never be in a relationship with a rich workaholic.. I don’t want things, I want attention.

There are low points in everything… especially when you’re in a foreign place away from all the things and people you love.

Don't Do Sadness (Spring Awakening)

So,

I would normally bigi baka (start from the beginning) but today we will start from the end.

I just spent two days at Sherlys site and well I’m pretty much in love with her. First off she met me in town Saturday to help me get to her site… and believe me the wagi ride was awful…. 7 adults and 9 children. 4 of the 9 children were vomiting and one even vomited on caseys foot. It was super gross.. and you thought the wagi stopped they don’t you throw up out the window or in the car… these kids were not very smart and they vomited well in the car. Anyway, 5 horrible hours later we got to the city and Sheryl waited while we showered and we went and had delicious blue cheese salads.

Sunday was quite but enjoyable. Sheryl has here house decorated so cutely. We talked about everything from PC gossip to health care plans. I read her Newsweek magazines and got enraged when it quotes Obama as telling Mens Health that he would be in favor of taxing soda (because its unhealthy)- in case you wondered I think taxing soda is the biggest piece of bullshit ever… and I can see all of my freedom of choice slipping from my fingers.. I’m glad that now that I’m a grown young lady I have the American Government to keep me in line and make healthy choices for me.

Anyway, I really love Sheryl a lot… pretty much she is a bad ass. A little bio is that she is what they call a “senior-volunteer” but really she is a “senior with a little badass in her” She helps at the school here, has 2 daughters, and four grandchildren. We talked a lot about her daughter because a lot of the female volunteers here myself included are worried are the men are age will be married by the time we get home. She assured us that her daughters got married or at least had children in their 30s and are happy and good mothers/wives/workers. This makes me feel better.

This past Friday Casey and Matt came to visit me at my site and it was super fun. My village cut down a tree from Christmas and handed the children presents (which were mostly plates, cups, paper (but they were so sickly excited)) We had a very nice Christmas dinner of chicken and rice (ha) The older women totally were coming by my house in the morning and the evening to make sure we hung a hammock for Matt… like Matt was going to double team us or something… sometimes JesusTowns being so overprotective is annoying. Needless to say I won’t tell them that Casey has offered to let Matt and I sleep in a double bed this Tuesday at the best western when her mother comes to visit… like we would say NO… HOT WATER AND AIRCO.. I haven’t had a hot bath in 7months and I’m not about to pass one by because my village may think of me as sluty. Casey’s mother is being me parmesan cheese, decks of cards, and my mother mailed her my blow dryer and flat iron… so needless to say I’m pretty dang excited for Casey’s mom to come too. We are decorating the room tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow I’m meeting with 3 NGOs to talk about projects and I need to write proposals like pretty soon.

So for the past 5 weeks…

The two world AIDs days went very well. They were very different. The one for Mark/Megan, Amber, Laura was intense education in one day. The one for Gwen, Chris, and Catherine was more like a party but it was the celebration of 6 weeks worth of AIDs education. I’m going to do a mix for mine next year. The month before I’ll have classes and the day of we will have a competition to see how much they remember and then have food and party.

I visited Laura when I went to the first World AIDs Day. Laura and her village will always be my favorite. She is the one who first introduced me to the river. It didn’t even take me 15 seconds to recognize the little girl who had shown me what having sex was with a soporopo. Laura is also just super cool.

I also went to see Amber, Jack, and of course Catherine and Chris. These were all fun and I really love seeing a little bit of all of our experiences.

My heart is a little broken right now though because I went to buy new running shoes (for Christmas) and I even set aside $60SRD but I came to find out the ones I want are $102USD and that is $289SRD.. and I don’t have that much money. So, It looks like Christmas will be well not what I thought.

I want so badly to believe that there is truth that love is real (Postal Service)

The funeral was beautiful, hard to follow because it was in dutch but beautiful none the less. I thought the best part was when we went to the graveyard. They danced with the coffin and had a big band. I just thought that part was very beautiful. Maybe after three hours of crying it was just nice to celebrate the life lived. We wore green for hope because Carmelita asked us to. I'm really glad I got to be here with the PC staff and some volunteers.

I'm going back to site tomorrow. I was going to leave today but Summer invited me over for tacos and classical music (who in their right mind could turn that down?) It should be exciting I love Summer, her husband, and two beautiful girls. Leah and Andy are coming too!! So thats exciting. I dont know them that well (Sur-14) so it will be good to spend time with them. In fact this trip to the city has been weird because from my group (Sur-15) its just Jennifer, Ashlee, and I.. so I've really had to expand my wings since I really just hang out with the same people (Casey, Catherine, Molly, Matt, and Shelley)

I know that once I get back at site time is going to just fly. Casey is coming over on Saturday and than Sunday Casey and I are going to Matts. Than Monday Casey and Matt are going to Jacks site before they head into the city for Thanksgiving. Dec. 1st Matt and I are going to join Mark/Megan, Casey, Craig, Laura, Ashlee, Kimmy?, and Amber for World Aids Day. Than that weekend Matt and I are going to join Catherine, Gwen, Chris, Jack, Andy, Josie, and Cristin for their World Aids Day and than celebrate Josie birthday for the rest of the weekend. JesusTown kids are doing a skit on waiting to have sex which as Catherine points out does have a place, no matter how small, in AIDs education

Than I have to hurry the women along with their Women's Center proposal. I'm also working on putting together information packets for a girls empowerment camp called Camp Glow. I'm hoping to get enough people on the Upper Suriname excited about it so that we can host one as soon as summer 2010. English lessons are going really well. And other than that I'm just happy in JesusTown..although I did cut down churchness to 1hr a week and before I left they asked me if I still loved and had a relationship with JesusChrist my savior. I told them I do and I love God as much as any good Catholic girl... one hour once a week.

Christmas will be here before I know it... and than soon after that my parents and grandpa will be here... that fact is so exciting I feel like I have excitment oozing from every pore.

Thats all I've got.

P.S I think marketing in Suriname is in need of desperate help. I love to eat these choc. chip cookies but the marking on the bag says in bold letters 37% choc. chips in every bag!! Since when has 37% been something to brag about. Chips Ahoy had it much better with 1,000 chips in every bag!

I heard there was a secret chord

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I’m staying at Ian’s house while he is at Joe’s site. I can’t begin to tell you how strange it is to walk around someone else’s home while they are not there.

It also didn’t help that I took my malaria drugs last night which love to feed into my deepest jungle fears and turn them into vivid nightmares. I have two jungle fears 1) Rats coming into my bed and eating me alive and 2)Being shot by a gun trap.

The nightmares always leave me sweating and often I wake up screaming. If I fall asleep after the lights go out I often have horrible panic attacks. I dreamt as I always do that I was running through the jungle; I could fell the sweet rolling off my face, the feeling on the twigs and leaves under my feat, and the sound of my heart racing. Then I decide to take a new path… that’s when it always happens. Then I’m shot. Alone. Without a phone. I die.

At 6:15 I decided I wouldn’t be getting any sleep and went for a run in the city. It smelt awful. It wasn’t as delightful as it is running in the jungle. No one said “I weki No” to me.

By 7:45 I was ready for my day.

Today…. I’m practicing. I want to sing beautifully Monday.

It requires going to Adams house because he has a piano. Its going to be strange practicing with literally his entire family around (Wife and 5 children). I would prefer the comforts of a practice room where I can make my mistakes as loud as I want and cuss and have as many tantrums as I want until I get it right. But Alas a piano is a piano and I’ll take it.

Then I am meeting Summer and her husband and we are going to Carmelita viewing. I’m scared.

We're all okay.

“If I could tell the world just one thing.. it would be that we’re all okay.”

Carmelita is dead. I don’t really know how else to say it. This is why I’m back less than two weeks after I left. She died. She had been sick since before I got here so I didn’t know her that well; but, she was my training manager. She had brain cancer. She has a five year old child… a 5 year old who lost their mother before they even knew what a mother really was.

I hate cancer.

>Flash Back 19 months ago<

Holding hands with my family, saying the Our Fathers, and crying. as my Aunt Patty took her last breaths; in this world. She had a long battle with cancer but finally her body just gave out. I never really believe it would take her. She was just such a great fighter and lots of times before they said she wouldn’t make it and she did.

I hate cancer. I hate cancer. I hater cancer.

>Flash Back to now<

Carmelita is dead. She had brain cancer. She worked for the PC for 12 years. She was our AO, Summer, training manager when Summer was one of the first volunteer groups in PC.

I am honored that the Peace Corps thought and asked me to sing for her funeral. It’s true I didn’t know her well. But my mother says you don’t really go to funerals just for the person who died, you go for the people who are still living.

I’ve never been good with words. I often get caught up in emotions and overwhelmed by them. I don’t, however, get caught up in music. Music speaks through me to say all the things I wish I was eloquent enough to say on my own. To me music is more than poetry. It has so many rich layers. It expresses much through the lyrics but then the layers of music that support the lyrics add things that only the heart can understand.

Many children wish to be a little bit taller, skinner, or have longer hair. But the only thing I ever wished to be was a dramatic soprano.

For those of you who don’t know “a dramatic soprano is an operatic soprano with a powerful, rich, emotive voice that can sing over, or cut through, a full orchestra. Thicker vocal folds in dramatic voices usually (but not always) mean less agility than lighter voices but a sustained, fuller sound. Usually this voice has a lower tessitura than other sopranos, and a darker timbre. They are often used for heroic, often long-suffering, tragic women of opera.”

However, I will most likely (the voice of women don’t finish developing until the late 20s) develop into a lyric soprano “A lyric soprano is a type of operatic soprano that has a warm quality with a bright, full timbre which can be heard over an orchestra. The lyric soprano voice generally has a higher tessitura than a soubrette and usually plays ingénues and other sympathetic characters in opera.”

I wish I could be a dramatic soprano for Carmelita but she will have to settle of a softer more angelic sound. Know in my heart though that I am a dramatic soprano and that somewhere deep down I have a rich, powerful, and emotive voice.

Daydreamer (Adele)

I was told recently by someone that I need to grow up. This statement has always upset me because what defines being grown up.

Financial Stability- look at America right now and tell me how many grown ups you see running around
Maturity Level- I’ve seen a 60 something year old man laugh when the guy humped the tiger in Hangover. So, my guess is that being grown up is not defined by this
Emotional Wellbeing- Most women will never pass this test
Having a job- I had one when I was 14 so I don’t think that is it

Growing up really means nothing. We get older but it doesn’t always mean anything.

I will get older but it will never change the fact that I have a weird inability to let anyone help me with the laundry because I have a weird phobia of people touching my undies.
I will get older but I will always volunteer and care about people and dogs (not cats, dislike them)
I will get older but it will always bother me when people fart in public or talk about poo
I will get older and always think that smoking is silly, gross, and a waste of money. On the same note they probably think my beanie baby investment is all of those things as well. (The beanie baby thing is a joke)
I will get older but will always believe the government is taking away civil liberties

Anyway, saying 'grow up' is about as bad as the company in Suirname that says their goal is 'to be the best company in the world'. Its too open ended and ambiguous.. what defines a good grown up, a good company, a good person? No one knows and its different for everyone who thinks they know.

I was thinking about this question today because I’m working on projects. And all I can think is Sustainable Development… Sustainable Development… how do I achieve Sustainable Development… well, through education of course! But my village didn’t really ask for education they asked for things. So how can I turn those things they want into something educational? I’m trying to focus my own scattered thoughts.. turning something ambiguous into something that will help. Its easy to say grow up, its easy to say I’m going to be best, and its easy to give things… but that’s not constructive.

You need to grow up by….

You can be the best company by….

My village can achieve sustainable development by implementing a series of classes aimed at Women. Women’s Business Practices, Having Healthy Relationships, Sexual Health, English, and Self-Defense. The women of my village are going to find out they can do more then get married or become a teacher. I’m going to teach them to utilize the skills they have to give them power to make their lives and the lives of their future children better. Focusing on the women is smart because they carry a majority of the work load and they also outnumber the men by a lot. The women also take care of the children. I have to be careful though not to isolate the men and cause them to become angry.

It’s a lofty goal but the women in my village are underappreciated. When I asked a man what he did in the morning he said “I get up at 8:30 and sit down and wait for my wife to bring me breakfast” I asked the wife and she said “I get up at 5:30, sweep the dirt, sweep the house, get the kids up, make breakfast, send the kids to school, go to the creek, and give my husband his breakfast” this is all before 9am.

So, I may not be a grown up but I am me and thats pretty good too.